26th January 2015
Have been feeling a little moody the last few days. Bish and I agreed to watch a movie the other night and I was so hyped about it. When we got down to watching the movie in our room, I sat on our bed and turned the other direction. I started crying, not being able to explain exactly why.
Yes, my boobs hurt, a lot!
I did not feel like watching the movie any further. I have decided I do not like it without even watching it.
I have been feeling sick. I sat in the bathroom several times, waiting to throw up. Nothing happened.
Bish realizes something was not right. I was crying. He pauses the movie and hugs me from behind. All I could say was I wasn't feeling great.
Over the next few days, I suspect being pregnant. I have been researching the symptoms and I seem to check every box on the list. I messaged my sister in-law telling her about my delay. She assured me it was the changes in weather after all that travelling last month. I wasn't convinced. I just knew I was pregnant.
Bish and I agreed to buy a home-kit to test the next day.
The next day, we were at Browns Bay. Did the grocery and was walking towards the car when Bish told me to wait for him. He ran across the road and disappeared. Re-appearing with a brown bag from the medical store. My test-kit.
26th January 2015: Sitting in the bathroom with the test-kit. Bish was still in bed. The first pee they say is the most accurate. I did not have to wait long. The second line appeared thick and bright. I am pregnant! I went back to our room, climbed into bed and shared the news with Bish. "Congratulations" he whispered into my ears as he pulled me under the covers for a hug.
Congratulations? I thought to myself. I am supposed to be delighted like all the videos and photographs I have seen of people learning about their pregnancy right? No! Instead, I felt a wave of anxiety and uncertainty wash over me.
We have only just settled in New Zealand after marriage. I was on a 3 month visit visa with no job or visa to stay on yet. Bish was searching for a job and we had to move to a new place by February which would incur further costs. We were not ready for a baby. Not now!
This felt wrong. I had never envisioned myself with a baby without a house or a job. We needed to be financially ready. I wasn't ready for pregnancy too! We have not done our post-wedding photo shoot and I am already pregnant?! I won't fit in my clothes any more. Everything will change! I can't start my career...I don't even know if I can stay here beyond the 3 months visa period. I felt so uncertain. So many thoughts. Was I a bad mother to feel that way? I don't know.
I looked at Bish and asked "Can we afford a baby now? I would have loved to wait a year at least".
He assured me we would be fine. I was however pretty convinced that he had no idea what this meant. A pregnancy costs and it is a big responsibility. Our life would change. I wanted to enjoy marital life a little longer. We had only just returned from our honeymoon!
The jitters and uncertainty are some aspects of pregnancy that no one talks about. I think it is very normal to second doubt yourself. It is not that we love our child any less as I will later discover.
